Halloween Week: Mary Shelly’s Monster Lasagna


“I beheld the wretch – the miserable monster whom I had created.” Frankenstein


For the pasta:

A pipe organ

600 grams of egg Lasagna noodles

A dark and stormy night*

13 tomatoes genetically spliced with Black Angus DNA

Blood-curdling laughter

Extra virgin olive oil

Salt & pepper

1 Onion

*I mean a really, really, really dark and stormy night.

For the Béchamel sauce:

50 grams of flour

50 grams of butter

1/2 a liter of whole milk

50 grams of Parmesan Cheese

Serves 6

Wait for a massive thunderstorm. After peeling and seeding the tomatoes put them in a metal pot and hoist them up the tower and under the lightning rod you pre-installed on the roof. As you wait for them to be repeatedly electrocuted, hammer some dissonant chords on the organ. And laugh hysterically, like this: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Have a kitchen helper chop the onions, boil the noodles, and prepare the Béchamel sauce. (Best if he’s kind of short, hunched-back and scary lookin’.) Have him call you master. Then have him pull the electrocuted beef-tomatoes down from the roof. Be sure to laugh again. (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!) On the 5th‘HA!’ you notice something moving, ever so slightly, on the rim of the smoldering metal bowl. It’s the tomatoes! They’re alive!

Tell the kitchen helper to kill them. They fight back! They unionize! No-o-o-o-o-o! Run, run, run for your life! After you’ve calmed down, go back into the kitchen and try to negotiate with the tomatoes. Ask them, “Hey Dudes, what’s the problem?” They say they won’t be taken advantage of like Lugosi was. They want 10% of the gross, non-negotiable, 10% of the merchandising royalties, and triple pay for the sequel. Plus full health and dental. Call up your lawyers and tell them to work it out. You think to yourself it’s time to take a long vacation. You’ve always wanted to see Alaska.

The recipe: Boil some lasagna noodles in salted water. After straining, alternate the cooked noodles in an oven pan with some ragu, (see Joyce’s ragu,) or anything else you have in mind, seafood, sausage, a vegetarian sauce, etc. Mix the ingredients for the béchamel sauce and pour it over top into the pan. Place the pan in a hot oven for 30-40 minutes. Or just order a pizza, open a couple a’ brews, plop in an old Frankenstein flick, sit back and chill.

link- Mary Shelly: https://interestingliterature.com/2015/08/30/five-fascinating-facts-about-mary-shelley/

…and, of course:
the monster mash

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