Bush-Cheney’s Pasta of Mass Destruction (with a Texas Longhorn Beef Chuck Ragu)


…on GWB’s 76th birthday, today…

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.” Gov. George Bush
“Go f*ck yourself.” Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy during an exchange about Haliburton profiteering on the Senate floor, 07/2004.

17 army divisions
An axis of evil
1 letter
1 stamp
Haliburton tomatoes*
Haliburton tagliatelle**
Haliburton olive oil***
Haliburton basil…

*A real bargain at 56 dollars a can.
** So you ordered and paid for 7000 tons and got only 5. What’s a couple thousand tons of tagliatelle among friends?

***Hey, who says you can’t make black olive oil. They make black olives, don’t they?  

Serves a few. Screws the rest of us.      

Pretend you’re stupid so you’ll get elected President. Not a problem. Then invade Iraq. Never mind that has nothing to do with pasta. Hell, we’d invade Italy if we had to. And we’d invade France jus’ for the fun of it.    

While you’re waiting for the next intelligence report (ha!) from Iraq put some water on to boil. Pour summa’ that I-talian Pasta in. Then open up a can a tomatoes and grab some of that smelly football-shaped stuff, summa’ that extra-virgle, extra-vrigin, extra-virgo,…summa’ that I-talian olive oil and put it all together in a pan on the front burner.  If it doesn’t look right after a few minutes, then dump everything into the blender an’ let it whirl around a bit.    

Oh, shit! I forgot to put the lid on. Chi-rist! Will you look at that mess? That’s OK. We’ll jus’ leave it like it is and call the UN to come clean it up, order a pizza instead. Double cheese with jalapeno. Tee-off is in an hour. Fore!

link-readymade Texas longhorn beef shin ragu: https://pastaevangelists.com/products/pappardelle-with-longhorn-beef-shin-ragu-gf-available

for the ragu:
about 5-600 grams or so of beef chuck or other slow cooking beef cut, cut into  baseball-ish sized chunks,
1 tbsp salt, +/-,
fresh ground black pepper,
about 3 tbsp olive oil, 
1-2 cloves garlic, (red if possible. Never buy the chinese ones,)
a yellow or white onion medium sized,
a full cup’s worth of carrots and another of celery (freshly diced into small cubes,) 
4-600g crushed canned tomatoes depending on how tomatoey you want it,
1-2 tbsp tomato paste optional but adds stratification,
a couple cups of red wine, well structured,
thyme or other herb(s) or spice(s) to flavor,
Baking soda, sugar,
1-2 bay leaves (if you like it) 

….the usual. Pat dry the beef chunks, then brown after brushing with oil, salt flakes and pepper. Remove, lower the heat and add bit more oil, then add the sacred triad onion-carrot-celery until they’re just beginning to soften, then the garlic (I leave it whole but lightly crushed but you can dice and add a bit after – but be careful not to brown the pieces,) and once softened to translucency add the tomatoes, a little salt and pepper – not much. That you’ll want to adjust later, – and then a pinch or two of bicarbonate of soda, then a dash of sugar, then the beef back in, then add the wine, and finally fill over with water or broth if necessary and let her go slow, at least 2-3 hours plus but the more the better, on the lowest of heat in a big thick pot or pan that keeps a constant temperature. Add the herbs or spices during the cooking as appropriate (ie, the bay leaf is fine in the beginning but parsley only just before plating, thyme maybe half-way through) add the tomato paste about a half hour or so into the cooking and water as needed (or broth or milk.) When the meat is falling off the bone or if boneless when it’s already tender, remove the pieces and shred before re-placing into the pot and continue the cooking for another 30 min. or so. You can, if preferred, simply remove them entirely and use them a s second course or re-worked the next day – it’s the sauce itself with all that rich flavor that serves as a great condiment to some thick egg-noodle pasta (pappardelle). Adjust for salt and flavorings when you remove the meat. Grate some parmesan over top after plating if you like and serve with a well structured red…. and console yourself. Next year is an election year…   

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